There’s a scene in my Alice film script where my protagonist Elias watches the news. He’s in a pub with his friend Harris Exposition watching a cable news panel show (like Crossfire, only with more shouting), where the topic of the segment is the rights of intelligent androids.
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| Thankfully, it isn't. But it could be. |
I want the sequence to appear in the film exactly as it would on television, so there’ll be ID captions underneath each character on the panel and a standard news ticker on the bottom of the screen. Because this is a film that takes place twenty minutes into the future, the news ticker would describe events that could plausibly happen, if not in our own present, then quite soon.
The cool part was, I got to imagine what the international news in the wider world of my story would be like. I thought about current trends, and my hopes for the future of humanity, as well as some of the seriously bad stuff that will probably go down. What will change for the better, the worst, and what won’t change much at all. And some of the generally silly.
Here’s what I came up with (including some commentary) in about 15 minutes of thinking.
SAUDI KING’S SUCCESSION CEREMONY PROCEEDS WITHOUT VIOLENCE DESPITE TERROR THREATS FROM SEVEN GROUPS
I keep my eye on the Third World War, because that’s what the current multi-front, multi-actor conflict raging across the Middle East from Iran to Libya is. It’s probably the most complex war in recent human history, with several actors supporting military actions that frequently contradict each other. Since Saudi Arabia is a major actor in this war, internal rebellion there will probably grow over the next few years, though the regime can probably play a long game of repression to survive.
TURKISH GOVERNMENT SIGNS PEACE DEAL WITH KURDISH SEPARATISTS, UN CHIEF HERSHLAG PRAISES PM KILICDAROGLU
I’m not a total pessimist. Back in the 1970s, Northern Ireland looked like an insoluble civil war zone, but peace did break out eventually with the Good Friday agreement. The next ten years will be very rough in the Middle East, even for the Middle East, but I think the war will eventually lead to Turkey and the Kurds finding common ground. Plus, I got to imagine a very unlikely future Secretary-General of the UN and a reasonably likely future Prime Minister of Turkey.
ORGANIZATION CLAIMING RESPONSIBILITY FOR SHOPPING MALL BOMBING IN CHARLOTTE, NC CALLS ITSELF “THE NEW KLUX KLAN”
Let’s face it. America’s in a lot of trouble. The #BlackLivesMatter movement is spurring positive revolutionary change in communities all over the country, but it’s also encouraging horrifically violent resistance, as we learned last week. And I think this is going to get worse before it gets better.
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| I'm not saying California will become a post-apocalyptic wasteland in my lifetime. But it's plausible. |
US GOVERNMENT ESTIMATES APPROXIMATELY 50% OF NAPA WINERIES HAVE CLOSED PERMANENTLY DUE TO PERSISTENT DROUGHT
I feel sorry for my friends in California. I think they’re in a lot of trouble.
UNITED NATIONS REFUGEE AGENCY DECLARES STATE OF EMERGENCY IN SAN DIEGO AS CITY RESIDENTS SUFFER EXTREME DROUGHT, CARTEL INSURGENCY
I feel really sorry for my friends in California. I’m just getting purely apocalyptic here.
INVESTIGATORS DECLARE NO FOUL PLAY IN OIL TANKER CRASH OFF CANADIAN PACIFIC COAST DESPITE EXPLOSION
Because screw you Stephen Harper and the Northern Gateway Pipeline. I hope you never exist, pipeline; Prime Minister Harper, I hope by the end of this year, you’re back to teach economics at University of Calgary where you belong.
CHICAGO MAYOR DONALD MCHALE RESIGNS AMID ALLEGATIONS OF COCAINE USE, BRIBERY
Because corruption in American politics is just a matter of where and when.
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| I won't say for sure that he was Toronto's worst mayor, but he's definitely its most legendary. |
COMING UP: DENNIS MILLER ON MCHALE SCANDALS: “WHAT IS THIS? TORONTO?”
Rob Ford is still funny and still on Toronto City Council.
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS SUFFER WORST SEASON PERFORMANCE IN FRANCHISE HISTORY, NEW HEAD COACH LEBRON JAMES ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY
I just think LeBron James is a twat. There’s nothing wrong with believing that.
GET YOUR BROOMSTICKS READY, CASABLANCA! INT’L OLYMPIC COMMITTEE ACCEPTS QUIDDITCH FOR NEXT SUMMER GAMES
Every news ticker needs some sports, and the truth is that I know very little about sports. I do, however, know what’s funny. And grown men running around on broomsticks in an Olympic stadium is fucking hilarious.
WARNER BROS ANNOUNCES MELISSA MCCARTHY SIGNED ON FOR 21 JUMP STREET / GHOSTBUSTERS CROSSOVER FILM
It would be either terrible, or awesome. And even if it was terrible, it’d be terrible in an awesome way. You know it and I know it.
LEGENDARY ACTOR KIRK DOUGLAS CELEBRATES 108TH BIRTHDAY: “I DON’T THINK I’LL EVER DIE!”
He will never die.
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